Characters

What is this show about? Note: age appropriateness? Click here.
We asked our writers to provide a short synopsis of The Toxic Avenger. Unfortunately, our writers had other pressing commitments (i.e. Buffalo Wing Night at Hooters,) so we called up some folks in the show and asked…
Melvin Ferd the Third

Me. The show is about me. See, I’m this average guy (well, maybe a below average guy) who lives in Tromaville, the most polluted town in New Jersey. And lately, I’ve been noticing that giant vats of toxic goo have been turning up all over the place. So I go complain to the mayor, but turns out, the mayor’s on the take. So she has her goons follow me and they drop me into one of the vats (Have you ever been dropped into a vat of nuclear waste? It really, really hurts.) Anyway, I emerge this mutant freak with superhuman strength. I’ve got this body of, like, this huge Greek God, but my face is all green and distorted and Frankenstein-y. In short, I’m not really dateable. But the girl I’m in love with happens to be blind, (Thank God!) so there’s hope. Oh, and since I have superhuman strength, I go around ripping apart everyone who’s polluting New Jersey, including the mayor. So that’s what the show’s about me saving New Jersey and trying to win the love of a noble blind librarian.

Sarah, The Noble Blind Librarian

It’s about love. Isn’t that what every good show is about? Love. See, the main character is me — a noble, blind librarian who happens to be very beautiful, and one day, I’m attacked by the town bullies. Instead of running or fighting back, I decide to faint, and when I wake up, I sense a large man hovering over me. Yes, his name is Toxie and he saves me from those bullies! You know that song, “The Wing Beneath My Wings?” That’s what Toxie is — the wind beneath my wings. Except he smells pretty bad, so I suppose it’d be better if there wasn’t any wind. But I don’t mind how he smells (he’s from France, and they have a different style of hygiene over there,) and once he lets me touch his body (his massive, powerful body with his granite-like arms and his lickable six-pack of an abdomen) I know he is the man for me. The thing is, he won’t let me touch his face, but I don’t mind because a) I’m noble and b) this is a love story, and true love always wins out in the end no matter what (unless his face turns out to be really icky.) So please come see The Toxic Avenger, starring me.

Mother Ferd

What’s this show about? I’ll tell you what it’s about. It’s about a mother’s agony. Yes, it’s about my baby boy, Melvin — who I actually wanted to name 72 Hours of Labor but the doctor said “no.” Yes, my Melvin, who could have been a doctor or a lawyer or something in banking, but no, instead he becomes — what is it again? — a mutant superhero freak. Terrific. My chest swells. Now, I could live with the superhero part, and maybe even the freak, but a mutant? He’s got one eye hanging off his cheek that I just want to smack back into his face. It’s terrible, isn’t it? You give everything for your children, everything! — and they wind up with major organs hanging off of them. Is an eye even an organ? I have no idea. You see how confused all this is making me? I have to go lay down. But come see the show. I’m very good in it.

Edna Ferbert
I can’t believe they’re asking me this question! You know how many lines I have in this show, one. Yeah, that’s right, count ‘em, one. I’m an adorable little old lady (I’m not bragging, everyone says I’m adorable,) and I walk on and say, “Hello, aren’t you that nice monster?” Then you know what happens? The Toxic Avenger rips me apart. That’s right, that’s it. I say six words then rip, rip, splat. I got out of bed for this? I gotta get a new agent. So I’ll tell you what it’s about? It’s about elderly abuse. Sounds like a real winner, eh? This is what they make musicals about nowadays? In my day, they wrote nice shows about feisty nuns and dancing, happy people. Not this crap. “Hello, aren’t you that nice monster?” Rip, rip, splat. A real career break for me. I should go write my Tony speech now.

The State of New Jersey
What’s it about? Well, all I can say is that it takes place in New Jersey so, surprise! surprise! — it’s loaded with Jersey jokes. Gosh, isn’t that original! Sounds like really great theatre, eh?! Yep, another King freakin’ Lear. What was that old George Carlin joke? I wanted to kiss my girl where it stinks so I took her to New Jersey. Real funny, Carlin! I’m sure this show is loaded with gems like that. So Lloyd Kaufman, the exalted founder of Troma Films, is working in theatre now? What happened, Lloyd, did the straight-to-DVD market dry up? Ha! Ha! Ha! Score one for Jersey! And who wrote this show anyway? DiPietro? Bryan? Gee, there’s a real brain trust. Snap, snap! Look, I know I’m just a land mass, but I’ve got feelings, too. So all I can say is — if I were a theatergoer, I’d go see Phantom of the Opera instead. Jersey rules! You hear me? Jersey rules!!!! Yeah!!!!