TECH DAY 14,933: IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ANSWERED!

Hey Toxaholics! You guys rock! You rock! You rock!!!

I hope you enjoyed that suck-up warmly-felt greeting, but I just want to extend my appreciation to all my millions hundreds of thousands enthusiastic readers who have made this blog the Number One most viewed blog for Musical Theatre. Thanks all!

So I know what you’re all DYING to know — how is Toxie Tech going today? Spectacularly! And the reason it’s going spectacularly is ’cause I’m not there. I’m home with my needy dog and focusing on my blog work today. And David is in the recording studio mixing The Toxic Avenger Original cast album. I’m going to go in shortly and listen to David lay down a bonus track (!) — he’s going to sing an acoustic version of “You Tore My Heart Out.” And to sing it, he brought in his own microphone, which costs — get this — fifteen grand. Yep. For a microphone. For that money, I assume the mic doesn’t just record your voice — I assume it caresses it, massages it, and then takes your voice out for dinner and a night of passion. But it’s gonna sound awesome.

Being the author of the Number One most-viewed blog for Musical theatre, I get sent questions all the time (oddly, mostly asking for medical advice.) So here now are some eagerly awaited answers! Enjoy and learn!

Q: How come people say Jersey instead of New Jersey but no one ever says York instead of New York?
A: I have no idea. But thanks for asking.

Q: Why do you keep saying “Number One most-viewed blog for Musical Theatre?” Is that a real statistic or did you just make that up?
A: I, uh, just made it up. Ask me something else. Something important about the creation of a major new musical.

Q: As a member of the biggest band in the world, David Bryan has sold over 130 million records. Quite frankly, he seems a lot more interesting than you. Could you make this blog more about him and less about you?
A: No.

Q: Will you and David be at every performance? If so, how can I tell the difference between you and him?
A: He has cooler hair.

Q: Is David approachable? Can I say ‘hi’ to him after the show? How about before the show? How about during the show?
A: Yes, yes, no, no.

Q: If I brought 4,000 copies of “Slippery When Wet” for David to sign would …
A: Stop asking about David!!!!!

Q: Well, well, well, someone seems to have developed a little inferiority complex there …
A: That’s not a question. Move on.

Q: Would you sleep with a critic if they promised to give you a good review?
A; Yes.

Q: Okay, but what if you slept with some critic and then that critic gave you a bad review anyway? How would you feel?
A: Dirty and used. The way I like it.

Q: I am an aspiring Hooters waitress and I enjoy sleeping with off-Broadway bands. If I show up at the stage door after the show, do you think that there’s any chance I could hook up with any of The Toxic Avenger band members?
A: That will be absolutely no problem.

Q: If you could by any fictional character in a musical, which one would it be?
A: The Little Mermaid. Because I always thought it would be cool to live under water and still have arms.

Q: Settle a bet — who would win a death match between The Toxic Avenger and Shrek? And be honest.
A: Easy. The Toxic Avenger is bulletproof and has superhuman strength. Shrek is strongish and has, like, a bad temper or something. Toxic, no contest.

Q: Okay, what about a death match between The Toxic Avenger and Mary Poppins. And remember — Poppins has magical powers — she can fly and pull big stuff out of her handbag and cool things like that.
A: Hm. Excellent question. In hand-to-hand combat, it’d be a quick Toxic win. But my hunch is Poppins would fly over Toxic and then pour cleaning supplies on him (specifically, bleach) which would kill him. So yeah, Poppins. Damn her.

Q: Do you think Disney will sue you for an unauthorized mentioned of their beloved Nanny?
A: Yes. The phone’s ringing right now..

Q: I’ve recently lost my job and my 401K is now worth three dollars and change. I have no prospects on the horizon and less than one hundred bucks in the bank. Should I spend the last of my money on a ticket for “The Toxic Avenger” although that means I will have to immediately move in with my parents?
A: Absolutely. The laughter that Toxic evokes will restore your faith in life and the economy. It will even make you like your parents more.

Q: That was a cold answer. Jeez. Aren’t you gonna even offer the guy a discount?
A: Right, sorry. Go to www.broadwaybox.com which is where you can find discounts for pretty much every show in the universe. But only buy a ticket for us. Every other show sucks.

Well, I’ve hoped you Toxaholics have learned something today. I sure have (specifically — not showing up to Tech is fun!) If you have any more questions you’d like answered, post’em or send’em my way!!

With great knowledge and learnedness,
Joe