Hello Toxaholics,

In the past, some critics have accused my work of sucking not being on the cutting edge. Well, in order to jump so firmly on the cutting edge that I’ve actually gone over the cutting edge to find a new edge that not only cuts but slices and dices, I have decided to partake in an historic first — I will be the first author in the history of theatre to LIVE BLOG a performance of my own show. That’s right, Toxaholics, at tonight’s Sunday preview, I will be LIVE BLOGGING all the (hopeful) hilarity for you. Of course, since I have no idea how to technically make the blog actually live, I will just type it all in and post it when I get home.

7:04: So I’ve just arrived at the theatre and the show is going to start any second. And I mean, ANY second. See, I forgot that the show starts at 7:00 PM on Sundays, and I didn’t realize my error until, oh, 6:35 PM (oops.) So I quickly found a clean shirt and petted the dog and ran out the door and … oh, the giant Toxic roar just sounded. The usual nervous giggle from the audience. Here goes, Toxic!

7:05: The first potential big laugh of the evening is about to come up (When Matt Saldivar sings “New Jersey”…) here it comes … here it comes … and he nailed it! Nice loud laugh from the audience. This tells me it’s gonna be a fun night.

7::07: The Nun just sang “Jersey’s not your bitch,” and the audience roared. They are my kind of peeps.

7:11: Sara Chase just performed one of my favorite moments in the show — as she talks with Melvin Ferd the Third about the troubles of Tromaville, she tries shelving some books but she misses the shelf every time. Sara really is an incredibly gifted comedienne and this is the moment when the audience realizes “Oh, so they’re going to go THERE.”

7:18: Matt Saldivar just got exit applause for his first appearance as Sal the Cop. Keep in mind, he’s on stage in this scene for about a minute — actually, it’s not even a scene, it’s a transition. And he got exit applause. God love him.

7:25: Toxie (Nick Cordero) is singing “Thank God, She’s Blind,” and Nick is lovingly twirling one of his strands of hanging goo as if it were a schoolgirl’s braid. This cracks me up (as well as the audience.) Though he spends most of the show wearing a mask, Nick is able to be so sweet and funny and strong and vulnerable. That ain’t easy to do behind latex. He really is terrific in this role.

7:31: Toxie picked up the container of Clorox (that he tries to use to clean the toxic goo off him) — and the container broke! Clorox (actually, it’s really crushed-up alka seltzer) is now spilt all over the stage. With nothing to clean it up, Nick continues on with the scene.

7:34: Now, Ma (Nancy Opel) is trying to wipe up some of the Clorox/Alka Seltzer with a rag, but it’s not really working. Will a stagehand have to eventually come out and sweep it all up? This is the excitment of live theatre, folks!

7:37: Oh-oh! The first joke that was supposed to get a laugh and didn’t just happened. Damn. And I just put it in a couple of days ago. See, Toxie is being examined by Professor Ken, and Toxie sings, “So this is how I’ll be for all time?” and Professor Ken answers, “Yeah.” Toxie continues — “A freak of nature oozing slime?” And Professor Ken replies, “There are worse things that you could be. I just can’t think of any.” (that was supposed to be the laugh.)
Well, not one single person laughed, And Demond Green, who plays Professor Ken, is one of those actors who can make anything funny (he’s really unbelievable in the show — and remarkably this is NYC debut!) So I just whipped out my blackberry and jotted down a potential new line for the professor to say –“It’s okay, Jersey is full of them.” I’ll have Demond try it out tomorrow night. Okay, back to the action —

7:46: The romance-infusedt musical intro to “Hot Toxic Love” just started and the guy in front of me lovingly placed his head on his lady’s’ shoulder. Man, this lovely-dovey dude is so trying to finesse his way to some lovin’ after the show.

7:48: Sara has just started her chorus of “Hot Toxic Love,” and Nick has just picked up a dustpan and small broom that have been discreetly placed on the set. Brilliant! So while Sara is singin’ her heart out, Nick is on his knees sweeping up the Clorox/Alka Seltzer. I’m sure the audience is a bit confused as to why Toxie is sweeping while Sarah is singing her part of their big love duet, but no matter. They’re still getting their laughs and the stage is now Clorox/Alka Seltzer free!

7:50: “Hot Toxic Love” just finished and the lovey-dovey dude just got a kiss from his lady. He is sooo gettin’ some action tonight.

7:53: A young woman in the front row just got up to go to the restroom. As an author, I believe that no one should ever leave my show to go to the bathroom, no matter how badly they have to go. But she ran up the aisle like FloJo so I take it that means she wants to get back as soon as possible. Phew.

8:00 Another young lady makes a run up the aisle for the bathroom. Hurry back!!

8:06: Nancy Opel just sang her duet with Nancy Opel and the audience went nuts for her, as usual. This woman is so freakin’ brilliant.

8:08: Now a guy just ran to the bathroom. WTF? Did this audience come from a Beer Drinking Festival or something?

8:15: Yikes, Nick just fell on his butt! Toxie is in the middle of singing “Everybody Dies” and he took a step back and BLAM. Right on his ass. He recovers quickly and deftly, and he clearly isn’t hurt. Toxie then goes on to kill an adorable old lady with no problem.

8:32: Toxie just collapsed on the ground, which somehow scared a group of ladies sitting in the front row. They’re so delighted at being scared, though, that they have started to loudly giggle. And it doesn’t seem like they can stop themselves. Now, the rest of the audience is giggling with them. The actors soldier on bravely.

8:42: The green ballons just dropped from the ceiling in celebration of our ending. The audience, as always, is happily knocking them about. Somehow each night, The Toxic Avenger reduces three-hundred adults to giddy children.

8:44: Show just finished to a tremendous ovation! Author is happy, happy, happy!

8:46: David Bryan rushes up to me to tell me that the only thing that didn’t work for him is Professor Ken’s line: “There are worse things that you could be. I just can’t think of any.”

8:46:30: I read Mr. Bryan the new line which I ALREADY WROTE (Ha!) and he is happy.

8:48: David and I decide to go have a couple of drinks in the bar. Then we decide to go out and have something to eat as well as a few more drinks.

12:31: I come home to file this blog. Faithful dog, Rocco, who has been sleeping for 5 hours, now is jumping up and down to greet me as if I’ve just come back from a moon launching.

12:32: In order to reward faithful dog, I generously decide to offer to walk him before I post my eagerly-anticipated blog.

12:33: Faithful dog realizes it’s raining so he refuses to go for a walk.

12:34: Annoyed owner insists faithful dog has to go for a walk now, and I mean now.

12:35: Faithful dog jumps on couch and pretends to be asleep in order to avoid walk. Annoyed owner decides to call it a night and file HISTORIC THEATRICAL BLOG.

Historically yours,